Chaos Comes Easier

You want to know something funny? I always wanted to be a hero.

To be the one who jumped in front of a speeding car to save the old lady crossing the street. The one who dived headfirst into an ocean to rescue the overconfident cliff jumper. Burst out of a burning building with a child in my arms.

I’ve always desired that feeling of fulfillment, knowing I’d done something no one else could.

I’d have done it for someone else’s benefit and been left with no regret. I would have waved away reporters naming my heroism for what it was and focused on the smiling faces of those whose fate I changed.

I’d never have done it for myself, but I longed for that warmth in my chest I’ve heard others talk about when reminiscing their good deeds.

Of course, I’m not a natural when it comes to goodness.

The car I stopped, the woman was injured when I couldn’t stop it fast enough leaving me with the blame.

The cliff jumper didn’t want to be saved. A lack of confidence did not send them over the edge.

The child...turns out I’m more resistant to fire. I did not make it out of the flames in time. I’d never seen the face of a mourning mother before.

I wanted to save people. I did.

But chaos comes easier.

I know I’ll never feel that glowing smile I’d try to hide behind a face of humility when being thanked for something I’d done. That warm feeling could never break through the ice everyone has built around me.

I won’t understand why my actions were never good enough, but I do understand that they were.

Plus, there’s less of a price to pay when there’s nothing relying on me. When no one believes in me anyway.

Why fight it, after all? If I was created a shade darker than everyone else, I don’t see much of a point in pretending to be someone I could never live up to.

So, if no one wants my help, I’ll give them someone else.

I’ll be the villain in this story.

You want to save them; to be the hero? Go ahead, I won’t challenge you for the title. Of course, I’m not going to make your job any easier.

They wanted an antagonist and they got one. Made from their own oversight and selfishness. What better evil could you face than one your precious people created for you?